Performing vs. Being
The Truth About Masculinity
“So, is that what it takes to be a man?” My jaw dropped to the floor. Silent tears began to rip down my face. My chest was heavy, filled with unspoken pain. Then he looked at me and continued, “It’s not too late.”
If you grew up like I did, you know the answer too well. Crying got you mocked. Asking for help got you shamed. So you built the armor. The toughness. The silence. Maybe muscles, maybe a career, maybe accomplishments. Anything to make the world believe you had it all together. But here’s the truth: that wasn’t manhood. That was performance.
I’m a childhood trauma survivor, and I’ve spent decades trying to figure out what real masculinity looks like. What I discovered is simple but radical: manhood isn’t about hiding, it’s about showing up.
Many of us grow up believing that being a man means suppressing our feelings, silencing our pain, and performing strength. Society applauds the man who carries his burdens alone. Family systems reward the boy who “toughs it out.” But performing like a man will never give you freedom—it only builds walls. These walls may protect you from ridicule, but they also keep you from connection, intimacy, and the life you were meant to live.
The Armor You Built Isn’t Manhood, it's false masculinity.
The Performance Trap
So this was my experience until my therapist of 25 years broke it down: When you perform manhood, you measure yourself by metrics that aren’t yours to measure. Strength becomes a number in the gym. Success becomes the validation of a title or income. Silence becomes a shield against vulnerability. Every day is a test, and failure is never an option.
But here’s the paradox: the harder you perform, the more isolated you become. You may fool the world, but you can’t fool yourself. Your heart knows. The emptiness grows, and so does the pressure to keep pretending.
Performing is exhausting. It’s a treadmill you can’t get off of. You build your life around what others expect from you instead of what your soul actually needs. And that, my friend, is where pain becomes habitual.
Why Showing Up is Different
Showing up is radical. Showing up requires presence, vulnerability, and courage. It’s the willingness to be seen—not as someone you think you should be, but as the man you actually are. Showing up doesn’t guarantee applause or validation. In fact, it may invite criticism or confusion from those who can’t understand your authenticity.
But here’s the liberation: when you stop performing, you stop hiding. When you stop pretending, you stop exhausting yourself. And when you start being, you step into freedom. Real manhood isn’t about how much weight you can lift, how much pain you can bury, or how many accomplishments you can rack up. It’s about showing up for your life, your relationships, and your own heart.
The Roots of Performance
Many of us learned performance early. I know I did. I was taught that feelings weren’t safe, that asking for help was weakness, and that hiding my true self was survival. So we grew up building armor—sometimes muscular, sometimes emotional, sometimes professional—but always protective.
The problem? Armor isn’t life. Armor is a shell. It keeps you safe but also keeps you disconnected. It keeps you from joy, from love, from intimacy, and most importantly, from yourself.
We’ve been trained to believe that manhood is a mask we wear. But masks suffocate. Masks fracture identity. And eventually, masks crack. That’s why so many men hit midlife exhausted, empty, or disconnected—even when “everything seems perfect” on the outside.
The Courage to Be Seen
Showing up requires courage. Vulnerability isn’t weakness; it’s strength in action. It’s the bravery to admit that you’re scared, confused, or hurt. It’s the bravery to ask for help and let others see your struggle.
Being present doesn’t mean being perfect. Being present doesn’t mean never failing. Being present means accepting yourself as you are and stepping into the life God intended for you. It means leaning into your story rather than running from it.
Why this matters: the moment you stop pretending, the moment you stop performing, the moment you embrace who you really are—this is when you step into manhood. This is when your story matters.
I recently did a video on this, here’s what it said:
✋Five Things Every Man Needs To Break The Cycle
Signs that you are performing manhood instead of living it:
• You measure self-worth by achievements, muscles, or status.
• You avoid vulnerability at all costs.
• You fear asking for help.
• You feel disconnected from relationships, even close ones.
• You mask pain with busyness, anger, or distraction.
Recognizing these signs is the first step toward freedom. Awareness opens the door to transformation.
What Showing Up Looks Like:
Showing up isn’t about dramatic gestures or sudden change. It’s about consistent choices to be real:
• Share how you really feel, even when it’s uncomfortable.
• Ask for help when you need it.
• Accept your limitations without shame.
• Sit with your emotions instead of burying them.
• Step into your story, even when it’s painful.
These practices may feel small, but they chip away at the walls built by performance.
The Liberation of Authentic Manhood
There’s something almost holy about a man who shows up. He doesn’t pretend. He doesn’t hide. He doesn’t apologize for being human. He’s present for his life, present for his family, present for himself.
When you embrace authenticity, the exhaustion fades. The anxiety about approval diminishes. The isolation lifts. Showing up is freeing because it’s aligned with your purpose, your story, and your calling.
#1: Steps to Stop Performing
• Identify areas where you feel you must “prove” yourself.
• Journal or talk about the emotions you’ve suppressed.
• Surround yourself with men and mentors who value presence over performance.
• Replace “look strong” habits with “be present” habits.
• Pray or meditate for courage to be vulnerable.
Here’s a bit of reality: when you begin showing up as yourself, not everyone will understand. Some will mock your vulnerability. Some will question your choices. Some may even reject your authenticity. That’s okay. Manhood isn’t for approval; it’s for freedom. The goal isn’t to please others; it’s to live honestly in your story.
Performing manhood is exhausting, lonely, and hollow. Showing up is terrifying, messy, and freeing. And here’s the kicker: the moment you embrace who you really are, the moment you stop pretending, the moment you step into presence—that’s when real manhood begins. That’s when your story matters.
This isn’t a motivational quote. This is truth carved out of pain, failure, and healing. The armor you built to survive your childhood isn’t what God intended for you. The muscles, the silence, the performance—they can’t save you. Presence saves you. Vulnerability frees you. Showing up changes everything.
Conclusion
So, here’s my invitation to you: start showing up. Start small. Share your real feelings. Ask for help. Sit with your pain instead of hiding it. Step into the life you’ve been given instead of the mask you’ve been performing.
Your story matters. Your healing matters. Your life matters. And the world needs men who show up, not perform. Be that man.
Branon Dempsey
If this spoke to you, click like, follow, and share my story. Let’s reclaim real manhood together. Your story matters.
✋For More, check out these video links:
➡️ 30-40 Men Riser Videos: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLNbD8Sq7PDX912jxaQU60MnpHHr_AHLNi
➡️ Podcast / iTunes: