The Crave of Control
What I’ve learned from being raised by narcissistic parents / on top of my abuse.
It's important to remember the following: No matter if it is a parent, family member, teacher, boss, or someone else in your life, there is a key aspect of the narcissist's behavior—their relentless craving for control and the constant drive for superiority. Through therapy, I learned a valuable lesson from dealing with my narcissistic parents. Understanding this is critical in recognizing the patterns of narcissistic abuse. I hope this information helps you equip yourself to regain your power and break free from the control of your narcissist.
Control is at the core of narcissistic behavior. To a narcissist, control isn't just a desire—it’s an obsession. They don’t feel safe, secure, or worthy unless they are in complete control of their surroundings, relationships, and how others perceive them. But where does this come from?
In most cases, narcissists have deeply rooted insecurities, often stemming from early childhood experiences of neglect or over-indulgence. This emotional void manifests as a need to control everything around them. Control, for them, is a way to compensate for their internal lack of self-worth.
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Now, you might ask, why the constant pursuit of superiority? Narcissists thrive on feeling better than others. They craft an identity based on being superior, more intelligent, or more accomplished. But beneath that facade of confidence, there's often a fragile ego that can't handle feeling ‘less than’ anyone else. Their need for superiority is a defense mechanism—a way to keep their insecurities hidden from the world.
So, how does this show up in your interactions with a narcissist? It’s subtle at first. They might start by criticizing you, making backhanded compliments, or dismissing your opinions. They want to chip away at your confidence because it feeds their sense of control. The more you doubt yourself, the more power they feel they have over you.
Have you ever had an experience where a narcissist made you feel small or insignificant? That was their need for control in action, disguised as superiority.
Narcissists also use gaslighting to control your perception of reality. They will twist the truth, deny things they've said, or even shift blame onto you. This tactic isn’t just about winning an argument—it’s about keeping you off balance, doubting yourself, and ultimately under their control. The more confused or uncertain you feel, the easier it is for them to maintain their superiority.
But here’s something crucial to remember: their superiority is an illusion. It’s a mask for their deep-seated insecurities. They project an image of confidence and authority, but in reality, they need constant validation and control to feel secure. They can't handle criticism, rejection, or any threat to their self-image. That’s why they surround themselves with people they can control—people who will boost their ego, consciously or unconsciously.
Here’s the truth: a narcissist’s power is only as strong as the control they have over you. The more you give in to their need for control, the more superior they feel. But once you recognize this dynamic and reclaim your boundaries, their power begins to crumble. They may react with rage or manipulation to regain control, but by staying grounded in your truth, you can take away their hold on you.
So, how can you break free from this dynamic?
First, recognize their tactics for what they are—a way to control you. Be mindful of how they make you feel inferior or doubt yourself, and remember that their behavior is a reflection of their inner turmoil, not your worth.
Second, set clear, firm boundaries. Narcissists hate boundaries because they limit their control. They may try to push back, but staying consistent in enforcing those boundaries is essential.
Lastly, surround yourself with people who support and validate your reality. The more grounded you are in a healthy support system, the less susceptible you'll be to their manipulation.
Remember, a narcissist’s need for control and superiority is endless. They won’t stop unless you take away the fuel that keeps them going—your compliance and self-doubt.